Hi BW
Thank you for posting - more men need to share their pain and seek
support... they will find it and here is a good place.
OldGT speaks words of wisdom and experience in his post - read it
again (and again) and learn from it.
One very significant factor is to give yourself time. Do not expect
instant fixes it will take years to work it all out.
No one has "The Answers" to your marriage breakup - there is no one
set of answers and things become much more complicated when children
are involved.
A long time ago I trained and worked as a relationship counsellor in
the UK and I strongly recommend you seek counselling perhaps from
Relationships Australia:
https://www.relationships.org.au/
Or visit your GP and ask him to refer you to a psychologist - I think
that is still free under Medicare - not 100% sure.
Despite my background my own marriage broke up after 25 years and,
mate, if you want to see a real f*** up of a breakup just ask a
counsellor to do it!
It took me five years and more to get over it; distress, anger,
confusion, work issues were just some of the problems but get over it
I did and for 13+ years now I have been happier than at any other
time in my life. I love being single, not having to consider another,
being my own boss, spending my own money. I have had a number of
relationships since then none of them being "live-in" and most of
them lasting around one to two years - all have been good and all
have ended nicely. I currently have a relationship with a woman I've
known for four years and it's just sex and dinner every month or so
which suits us both well. We'd drive one-another nuts if we tried to
live together!
You said you have met another woman. It may be too soon for you to be
emotionally equipped to enter in to another relationship, you need
time and space to deal with the emotional upheaval from your marriage
breakup. We seek another person to validate ourselves; we have been
rejected, we are hurt and we seek to prove that we are still
desirable to someone and, usually, we also hope it will cause our ex
hurt. If this new relationship breaks up may I suggest you give
yourself at least one more year before seeking another.
>But when does the anger and pain end?
That depends upon when you choose to put it down and walk away from
those feelings. Counselling will *really* help in this regard. I
guess it took me 10 years to forgive my ex and to understand the
fears and anger she lived with caused by experiences in her
childhood. Nevertheless, even 18 years later, there are still moments
of pain and anger which arise in me but they are brief and do not
hurt much. In some ways I am glad of them because if we cannot feel
pain then we cannot feel love and I did love her very much and I'm
glad I did, it was a major part of my life and most of it was really
good - but I still cry on those rare occasions I watch our family
videos.
Above all: give yourself time - and it will be years not months.
Go well BW.
