DNA test the hard truth =(

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dryhorrors

dan
Joined
Dec 16, 2013
Messages
174
Reaction score
28
Location
adelaide, SA
hi guys,
as usual im up that creek again without a paddle, so called missus informed me she was pregnant to her ex on sunday night
i grabbed what i could carry and left, i have ordered a DNA test due to the fact she told me she was also doing the "dirty" with him when my apparent daughter was
born,

im sorry i needed to get it off my chest, no way is this prospecting related
if you might have any advice feel free to reply
again sorry to the moderators
when your in a place where you have no family its bloody rough, depression kicks pretty hard :(
 
Hello dryhorrors,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it's not too nice at all. All I can remind you of, is it isn't your daughters fault and she will need you through all of this and everything your going to have to face.

I have an ex and she is an ex for a reason, I also have 2 amazing beautiful children from that ex. She plays them all the time and I just soldier on and remind them both I love them deeply and will always be there for them. As difficult as it is for me I stay strong for the kids and find ways to see them every week.

You will need to stay strong for your daughter.

Life does move forward, sometimes it just takes time. You will be ok mate and it's fine to vent. Sometimes venting is a good release.

Things will be tough for a while, but remember there is and will be a happier time. Just stay strong mate.

Regards

Lambi
 
That's terrible mate, I can't imagine what you must be going through.

If you ever feel like you're struggling with things please go and speak to someone. It may seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel right now, but a day will come when you no longer feel this way.

Take care of yourself and I really hope you get the DNA results you're hoping for.

Cheers,
Nugget
 
Sorry to hear about that. Spill it out , don't keep it in. I tell my wife that if i don't have a "swear" occasionally it builds up and i could burst. You have a lot of minds at work who have all been thru a lot in life including myself of course that you can relate to.
Talk to someone. If necessary ring Lifeline 131114, Mantherapy 1300222638 or mantherapy.org.au, Beyond Blue 1300224636.
Chin up mate
 
Hey DH

Sorry to hear about your troubles ... And good on you for talking about it ... It can be easy to jump to conclusions and do stuff you will regret later so the more you can talk about it and work out a way forward the better you will be.

I agree with Lambs in that your daughter is the innocent bystander that you need to consider even though she didn't. If you love that little girl then DNA has nothing to do with it from her point of view - you are her Dad and that is that. Child support is a different matter, but please continue to be in her life regardless of what happens. I raised a daughter who isn't mine and I love her as much as my three other kids I fathered. She is now 35 and has a family of her own and still regards me as her father. Whether you know it or not, your life will be enriched by being in her life more than money can buy.

Your specific troubles aren't going to change so you will somehow need to accept the facts, redesign your daily life, and move on. Easy to say and harder to do ... But in your way you will get through this process. Stay off the booze and self destructive behaviour - this isn't your fault - and know there are lots of people and services to help you through.

Stay strong, and sing out if you need to chat - good luck mate.
 
A rough blow mate and in terms of how to deal with the emotions the above posts are excellent points of reference. Is hard to know what to say exactly without prying into the facts but a couple of things I can suggest on the next move will apply regardless. Depending on her age I will assume your girl recognises you as her father or Dad. Although difficult maintaining that bond will be important as the facts are sorted out. In this great country we recognize the rights of those who assume a paternal role even if not a biological parent. It will be your choice to continue or not however some paths are very difficult to tread emotionally. Meditation will need to be attempted if you intend to have a legal interaction over access rights. It was very helpful for me, the people that conduct the mediating are highly skilled and very empathetic. Mostly their service is provided free of charge and very informative. It's never too early to apply for this service and in fact is encouraged. It will help immensely to open discussion between all parties. Believe me they would have seen and heard it all. After that stage really it depends on the outcome. If dna results show you to be the father you will be responsible for maintaining the child. If not things may get into a bit of a dispute, and because of your appendage can be hostile. It's likely she will be advised to make an application anyways if she makes a general enquiry, so be ready for that, testing is also unlikely to be swift but some tests are conducted faster than others, your at the mercy of laws system that is anything but godd and reasonable intentions, often hostile and cumbersome to understand. Keep one eye on trying to resolve this with a calm attitude the legal contingent can just complicate things that are best approached with a cool had sound mind and devoid of emotion. I don't envy what's in front of you surround yourself with good positive people and an attitude to match and work as swiftly as allowed toward a resolution, whatever that is, just take a bit of time out to decide where you stand and go from there. I hope everything works out for you and that child mate, its a rocky ride for both of you right now.
 
Hey Dry
Mate I applaud you on stepping up like a man & talking about your issue, I will not pretend to know what you are going through, but keep talking man, love your kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cheers
Lee
 
You sound like a good bloke who has been screwed over. If this is the case then the first thing to do is omit the shame and blame that may burden you in this situation because trust me you do not deserve it. Sound advice given by others and I couldn't agree more especially on advising you to talk to someone, anyone rather than keep your feelings to yourself because that is the best way to move through these issues. Knowing that life does have it's highs and lows and I promise you there will be high times ahead of you again in future and I don't mean cheech and chong. Cheers for venting, you're on the right track
 
hi guys thanks for the kind words, definately helps, i have been trying to keep busy and keep my mind active
i have a rough time ahead of me thats, anything i do always gets me thinking of the lies and bull$#!t she has been fed me for the last 2 1/2 years, my daughter is 14 months old and should not have to go through this crap, damn i miss her was the best part of my day coming home from work to be greeted by a cheeky smile, im going to Port Germein in a few weeks to get my head clear for a week but who knows i might stay there, have got a childhood buddy up that way looking for some work for me, city life sucks
and guys thanks for your support :|
 
been there done that mate

you're not alone

i know it hurts coz you love the kid but at least you probably dont owe child support now if thats any consolation

think of it this way , even her best friends would be supportive of you and despise her for it.

I am kind of in a similar place , ex was prostituting behind my back through a 9 year relationship , using her kids to bullsh1t to me about where she had been while she was out roooting anything that moved.

I worked an average of 100 hours a week for years to support her youngest kid and her , now after 9 years seperated she has messed with his head and turned him against me , she has him going around talking sh1tt about me , accusing me of raping the kids , beating her up , stealing her money .....all the crappp.

The joke is that after i kicked her out , she went off her nut and threatened to kill her kids more than 10 times that i was told about , including chasing the kids around the house with a knife on one occasion , beating her son so bad he would vomit from the fear she put into him , and police and DOC's didnt give a shite and did nothing about it.

blokes get the raw end of the deal every time.

am i in a relationship now ? . nope . too scared to trust anyone again :(
 
dryhorrors said:
hi guys,
as usual im up that creek again without a paddle, so called missus informed me she was pregnant to her ex on sunday night
i grabbed what i could carry and left, i have ordered a DNA test due to the fact she told me she was also doing the "dirty" with him when my apparent daughter was
born,

im sorry i needed to get it off my chest, no way is this prospecting related
if you might have any advice feel free to reply
again sorry to the moderators
when your in a place where you have no family its bloody rough, depression kicks pretty hard :(
Click to expand...

d h, that is a low low act indeed and there is no shame or need to apologise for getting it off your chest. In fact the more you can talk about it the better off you will be IMHO.
Life is a roller coaster and sometimes it feels like it is stuck at the very bottom with no chance of getting back up to the top again.
Something I have learnt is that there a 2 ways to look at everything. a negative or a positive way.
Whats done is done and can't be changed so (and it is harder than it sounds) the positive way of looking at things, and trying not to focus on the negative things will in a way create a more beneficial energy that in turn brings more positive things.
It takes a lot more effort (I have found) to think this way as it is so easy to fall into the negative frame of mind (which is understandable) but a concerted effort to think positive more than negative will make a difference.
This is only my point of view of course and what I have found works for me, and is also probably stating the obvious.
I like to think of this forum as a family I've never met and if you need to vent on here then so be it, were all members because of similar interests etc.
I wish you all the best mate and even though I've never met you, feel free to PM me if you just want to have a yarn etc.

Billy.
 
Damn, dryhorrors that is not good news at all. I have been in similar as well but without the DNA issues, that is hard. There is a lot of great advice already given so take the time to really read what a lot have written. It may take a few times but they all are very similar. In that it will get better.

You have already made the right decision. I always say there are never any wrong decisions, at the time you make the best decision with the information you have. In hindsight you could have made a different decision, but it was never a bad decision.

A couple of things that may assist you at some time :)

- When angry put the phone away and the txt. Stopping communication before it gets nasty is important. For both of you.
- Keep the contact with your daughter, it doesn't have to cost money just being and doing is all they want. Trust me on that one.
- Put a plan in place (contact, child support etc...) and stick to it, do the right thing regardless of how hard it will be at times.
- If things start to turn bad with contact, if you have legal aid available, use it. If not talk to a family lawyer is a must. You can negotiate the price. Even if they just guide you etc...
- Take time for yourself, be the person you want to be and when ready find the right person for you.

If you can always try and take the higher ground, be reasonable and get yourself right. You will be the role model you want to be for your daughter. My kids are in their early twenties now and we have a great relationship, my son lives with me and my daughter is in regular contact. We even had the 21st at the mums house because we all did the right thing, a joint 21st with all families even current partners and so on.

While this may not be an option for yourself it is just saying that while a lot do have a tough time and it was not easy either, but it can work and I am with my new partner for 16 years with an 11 year old. So things seems to happen for a reason.

One step at a time, take care mate

Westaus
 
Dry Horrors, mate you are going to hurt for ages on this, but the good news out of the bad is,you'l get mostly sort of over it. One day, (though not soon) you will come out the other side of this, you will realise ( dont know if you are thinking this or not, some guys do), that is was not that you werent good enough but that she was not good enough and that you married badly, and would not ever go back to it.You will be happy knowin that you are better off and you are not wasting any more of you on her. Mate I dont know what sort of drinker you are or arent, but if you can handle it sensibly then a bottle of bourbon was my best mate at nights. Dont even think about it if you cant handle it or cant go back to normal use after. For down the track(you wont be thinking like this for now) the best or quickest way to get over the pain of a woman leaving/rejecting your life is to bring another one in. Dont rush into anything serious or you could make a big mistake because of loneliness, dont know what sort of bloke you are but you will not be alone for long, theres 3 000,000,000 women out there and theres a lid for every pot. Just TRY to make sure its the right lid. Lawyers are bloody dear,but she may do or not do the right thing.Dont get caught out by thinking she will do the right thing because she says so or its the right thing to do. Good if she does, but my experience is that after a couple of months the guilt turns to thoughts of get whatever they can, Especially if shes backed by a guy that has already shown his lack of character or decency.So be prepared. You feel like your heart has been ripped out for now,hell mate it has been, but you will come out the other side as many many have done are doing and will do. You feel it but you are not alone. Its the nature of the fickle human to think the grass is greener on the other side even if its not. Her loss, everyones loss, just a pity the long lasting chaos for everyone involved. Dont know if this is good advise but it worked for me. Chin up, very dark dark clouds now, sunshine will come, promise.

P.S. If you ever get back together (some do) then delete the above. lol :)
 
hi guys, update on the situation,
DNA test has been sent off today time will tell, im not a destructive kind of person,
thought i would be a adult about it and try work something out for the kid and mediate with the mother
she now has a few choices to make... go to the clinic and deal with what ever she thought she was doing, change her number, move into a rural area, close her facebook account, change her attitude, get new friends and actually make a effort to be a family and give a kid a loving home, she is going to the clinic today,
so thats the first step but there is a hell of along way to go before i can trust her again it hurts like hell, but i need to be a adult about this
and not ruin another persons life ( daughter ) i know i grew up in a split up family, then my old man passed when i was 5 and it wasnt the greatest of feeling not being able to tell your old man how you day was etc, dont want that for this kid
and thanks again guys your words are excellent advice
:|
 
dryhorrors said:
hi guys, update on the situation,
DNA test has been sent off today time will tell, im not a destructive kind of person,
thought i would be a adult about it and try work something out for the kid and mediate with the mother
she now has a few choices to make... go to the clinic and deal with what ever she thought she was doing, change her number, move into a rural area, close her facebook account, change her attitude, get new friends and actually make a effort to be a family and give a kid a loving home, she is going to the clinic today,
so thats the first step but there is a hell of along way to go before i can trust her again it hurts like hell, but i need to be a adult about this
and not ruin another persons life ( daughter ) i know i grew up in a split up family, then my old man passed when i was 5 and it wasnt the greatest of feeling not being able to tell your old man how you day was etc, dont want that for this kid
and thanks again guys your words are excellent advice
:|
Click to expand...

I really feel for you man, I couldn't go back to someone that did that but I understand exactly where you're coming from and your a bigger man for it. All the best with it and I hope things turn out the way you want it to.
 
Sorry DH but you had me feeling for ya, then lost me if ya entertaining the thought of going back there, she obviously sees 'sucker' tattooed across your forehead. Never go back always forward
 

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