BrisJoe
Joe
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends dont give you crap if youve lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you dont have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks dont attack you.
You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You dont have to shave below your neck.
You dont have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
If youre 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesnt live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You dont give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work.more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You dont care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You dont mooch off others desserts.
If you retain water, its in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.
ESPNs sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You neednt pretend youre freshening up to go to the bathroom.
If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends youve changed.
Someday youll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase F*#k it!
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Dis death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends dont give you crap if youve lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you dont have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks dont attack you.
You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You dont have to shave below your neck.
You dont have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
If youre 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesnt live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You dont give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work.more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You dont care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You dont mooch off others desserts.
If you retain water, its in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.
ESPNs sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You neednt pretend youre freshening up to go to the bathroom.
If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends youve changed.
Someday youll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase F*#k it!
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Dis death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
