Going Through Separation And Divorce

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Hi guys,
I haven't posted on here for a good 6 months or so.
Back in March my whole world and life got tipped on its head. My wife of 8 years turfed me out of home for almost unknown reasons, and a month later I found out she had been having an affair with another guy much younger than her.
Life as I knew it had changed forever. The hurt, pain and stress of it all took its toll and I ended up in a pretty bad way mentally. I dropped a heap of weight and found just living was a bit of a struggle. We also have 3 young kids under 10 to consider.
I thought I could get thru it and reconcile with her, but she hasn't shown much interest even tho the young guy has told her he wants nothing to do with her (she still thinks it may work).
For a while I was couch surfing at mates houses, living in caravan parks and camping in my car for a while.
So I pushed thru it, dusted myself off and I'm finding that things are slowly getting better for me. I've started a new relationship which is going well so I guess that's taken my mind off things lately.
I know each situation is different and others have gone thru a lot worse than me. But when does the anger and pain end? I'm still very hurt by what happened! Even tho the wife and I actually get along quite well now - I'm still guttered and very disappointed by what happened. The most important thing is that I have the kids 2 nights a week, and neither of us would ever use the kids as an excuse to try and hurt each other.
The settlement has been signed and I let her buy me out so the kids weren't displaced to much as far as having to move house. I guess that was a positive seeing it was done so quickly and cost us next to nothing.
I'll be okay - there were very dark times but I'm back on the up and moving forward. I've been told I'm in for a 2 year roller coaster emotionally. Geez this crap can really get to you and do bad things to you!!
 
Hey BW. That really sucks, Good on you for putting the kids first. Dont be to quick to play happy families with the new love interest. Just concentrate on doing things that make YOU happy. I havent been in your position but know a few who have. I hope the ex doesnt start using you for an unpiad baby sitter when it suits her for you to have the kids. custody is a 2 way street.
You could offer to take old mate the grass cutter out exploring old mine shafts too ;). Teach him how to abseil down a 100ft mineshaft on a 90 ft rope.
Chin up man and keep on walking, just in a different direction.
 
Boyd, did I write that or you?.........I'm hearing you,very similar experience ATM, trust is gone in mine.....
 
Hang in there mate. Many of us have been there, some of us twice :rolleyes: , but you will get over it. Takes time, and a Jethro said, don't get too involved with the new Lady to soon. But good on ya for talking about it, that always helps.
 
sh.t mate I never knew such a shock sorry. reminds me of a girl I was with for almost 4 years found out she was cheating too took me a long time to get over it. even harder when she said she never loved you in the first place.
 
Hang in there BW a lot of us have been there and done that. Life will get better sometimes may take a little time Most important is the kids they too have feelings it's good that you both still get along that's a great start. Take it easy bro
 
Good to hear the kids arent being used as leverage , the cold hard truth is you cant force someone to love you , they either do or dont . So what is done is done if she does come back oneday make her earn your respect again .
My parents seperated when i was about 30 and to be honest they are both the happiest i have ever seen them ever since.
Good luck and its a shame she couldnt stick it out until your kids were young adults .
 
Mate that is terrible....Even worse when you don't see it coming.

I'm sure friends and family will offer plenty of advice along the way but here's a few tips based on what I've been through personally. Keep in mind it will take some time to get up off the canvas but nobody can say for sure how your journey will unfold.

Eat well. Sounds simple but putting good food in your body will help while you deal will all the outside and inside noise. A stressed body and mind needs to be fuelled properly.

Get some exercise/outdoors time. If your not a fitness fanatic just try walking or bike riding. I got into running which was a great distraction and tired me out to help me sleep...no room for a negative head space.

Get good rest. If your an 8 hours type of person make sure you get it. Every hour before midnight is worth 2 after. Try some soft music or get some guided meditation if you are really struggling.

OK so that should keep the body in good order. Next and I say this with experience is sorting all the mess out, the longer you wait the harder it is. Formulate a parenting plan with the kids. That won't mean everyone will stick to everything but in a crisis a road map of where your headed keeps everyone informed and on track. Next contact a Solicitor and get a free initial consult. (If I had my time over I'd visit a few). When and if the day comes to legal issues with child access etc you can get started instead of wondering what to do. And get ready to live on less....out of all the couples (which is plenty) that I know of that have split with kids involved only 3 I know after 2 years or more of seperation don't pay child support through the agency. She will get that advice from many different people, it's merely a question of whether she wants to take it up or not. If she does it will be 24% (?) of anything you earn above your self support amount.

Lastly you will feel terrible for a while, guilt, shame, inadequacy, disbelief, anger, sadness and on and on. It's harder when children are involved, or more accurately certainly more complex. It's all very normal and it does get better. I know a few men who for all sorts of reasons (I'll lose my gun license, I'm not a woman, I can't afford it) say the won't visit a psychologist. I did for 6 months once a week, and it helped me deal with all the fallout. It's amazing off loading to a stranger who will keep your intimate thoughts confidential and give you helpful tools to deal with all the mental noise. It did in fact allow me to forgive and move on. Without it I'm sure I would have never considered second chances being given. I was in a very destructive place initially, and I'm not sure without help where I might have ended up.

And that's it, they are my tips. I have lived through a seperation from the mother of my daughter and also though infedility that led to a reconciliation. I barely see my teenage daughter but had many good years of regular contact. I'm still in a relationship that's lasted 12 years with a break of around a year in the middle with a step daughter that accepts me as "Dad" just as much as if she was my biological daughter. Noone can ever say how things might turn out, so look after yourself well first and look for help when and if you need it.

Good luck mate, there's no easy way to go through it all, you just have to go through it all....
 
Thanks guys, the words of wisdom and support does actually mean a lot. Great post OldGT and thanks for taking the time to write your reply.
The custody issues have been signed off and dealt with via solicitors. I'm paying child support straight to her on an agreed amount which has also been signed off on. I suppose I'm not in as bad a situation as many others. But it is tough.
I've actually got the kids tonight....we had dinner, played some board games and had a great time together. The wife is apparently doing night shift tonight....or is she....but who cares anymore I really can't concentrate my thoughts towards what she may or may not be doing. It's pretty tough tho to stop worrying about what she may be doing...but I've got to concentrate on what I have got now, not what I don't have.
Thanks again for all the support and posts. As I said it does mean a lot.
And HYT, we will have a swing again soon sometime after I've cleared my head a bit!
 
Hi BW, I've been through that with three young kids (10 years back now), so I know what you're going through.
Divorce w/o kids would have been so easy, but we fought long and hard for child custody. The winners were my ex and both sets of lawyers.
I lost at the time (men always do), with me totally disbelieving the extents of deceit that she was prepared to go through in court and the willingness of the judges to believe the crap.
If I had had my wits about me at the time, I would have had ALL of her affidavit writing friends charged with perjury, but I was concentrating on my kids.
I lost the house and had limited child access for some years. I was very hurt and grieving for some years.
Now, as they have grown, all three of my children (now over 18 - lovely kids and very interested in the outdoors) now live with me out of choice. I'm happy.
It may take some time, but things will do work out in the end.
 
It's a long hard road and I think the deceit and lies can be the biggest hurdle to overcome. After all this is the person you loved and thought was your closest and best friend who you then find has not returned what you gave? The children make it hard as if not for them you could just walk away and never have to have contact again which makes it far easier to move on with your life.
Concentrate hard on separating your head from your heart and once you can do this will find that it all becomes a lot easier given time. Could write you a book here of my experience regards this but as they say it's all just part of the &%$#*ing you get for the &%$#*ing you got :8
Good luck and cherish the children as they grow so quick :Y:

Just an edit as you posted as I did ....................... you mention not what I don't have remember without being cruel here ............... you didn't in fact have what you thought you did and again this is the cruel part I personally found as what I thought I had in fact was only in my mind. One way is no way.
 
Hi BW

Been there and done also. Went to go to work and forgot my keys to the office, so had to go back home to get them. When I got home and went in, there was my wife with my so called best mate. Shagging each other like no tomorrow. I got my keys and left to go to work. She apologised and said it would not happen again. The next day I did the same left for work and came back. Guess what there she was again. At it again. I said to her that the next day I would pick up all my things and move them to my unit that I had let my parents use rent free. The next day I turned up at 7am with the truck from work and cleaned the house we were renting completely out. The only things I left was the bed and a wardrobe. Everything and I mean everything else went. It took me quite a while to get over too. Lucky we had no children together. I promise you mate you will get over it. It takes a while but you will slowly feel a bit better as time goes by. Just remember that you are among friends here. If you need help I am only a pm away. Good luck. Live one day at a time and do not worry about what you can not change.
 
BoydWilliam said:
Thanks guys, the words of wisdom and support does actually mean a lot. Great post OldGT and thanks for taking the time to write your reply.
The custody issues have been signed off and dealt with via solicitors. I'm paying child support straight to her on an agreed amount which has also been signed off on. I suppose I'm not in as bad a situation as many others. But it is tough.
I've actually got the kids tonight....we had dinner, played some board games and had a great time together. The wife is apparently doing night shift tonight....or is she....but who cares anymore I really can't concentrate my thoughts towards what she may or may not be doing. It's pretty tough tho to stop worrying about what she may be doing...but I've got to concentrate on what I have got now, not what I don't have.
Thanks again for all the support and posts. As I said it does mean a lot.
And HYT, we will have a swing again soon sometime after I've cleared my head a bit!

no worries take your time mate
 
Hey Boyd,

Sorry to hear and such a shock when you don't see it coming like others have said.
Hurt will pass with time, trust will take longer, try not to think about her life and concentrate more on your's and the kids and hopefully it'll make it easier in some way.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel and the more you can focus on your life (with the kids and new partner) the easier it'll be.
Chin up and being able to talk about it is a major step forward.

Take care.
 
Thanks for sharing your story with us BoydWilliam.
Its nice to read that you were able to work things out with your ex and still be involved in your children's lives..
For that you are much more fortunate than many of us who after a marriage break down lost our rights as fathers.
I have two son's one born in 1985 and the other in 1987.
After we divorced in 1991 , I only spent very limited time with my two , I probably only spoke to my two son's a hand full of times since 1992..

I have not seen my youngest son since 1992.. I used to talk with him and his brother on the phone during school holidays at their grandmothers (my mother) and I could call them .. but that stopped in the late 90's...
I was fortunate to spend a few days with my eldest son in June of 2008 for the Queens Birthday Long weekend, because he was curious and wanted to see me in person.
Unfortunately his mother found out and it caused him and his brother a lot of problems..At least I had a few days together with him as a young man to treasure.
Since then I have had no communication with him at all..
My youngest son is 30, he has been married for the last 5 years and is now a father of a 3 year old son whom I have never met and whom I probably will never meet.

Take it from me, being allowed to be a father to your children is a very special privileged, so cherish what you have with you children and be thankful.
:Y:
 
pete165 said:
Hi BW

Been there and done also. Went to go to work and forgot my keys to the office, so had to go back home to get them. When I got home and went in, there was my wife with my so called best mate. Shagging each other like no tomorrow. I got my keys and left to go to work. She apologised and said it would not happen again. The next day I did the same left for work and came back. Guess what there she was again. At it again. I said to her that the next day I would pick up all my things and move them to my unit that I had let my parents use rent free. The next day I turned up at 7am with the truck from work and cleaned the house we were renting completely out. The only things I left was the bed and a wardrobe. Everything and I mean everything else went. It took me quite a while to get over too. Lucky we had no children together. I promise you mate you will get over it. It takes a while but you will slowly feel a bit better as time goes by. Just remember that you are among friends here. If you need help I am only a pm away. Good luck. Live one day at a time and do not worry about what you can not change.
I hope you punched the living crap out of your mate
 
Hi Boyd,
You have gone through so much pain and I offer this to you.
I have moved your topic into here so it is not visible to the
Internet.
We Mod's owing to a glitch with the forum software can not combine
your post into the lets talk post so I have made yours a sticky.
.
We are a very supportive bunch so just spill your guts and we will
listen to you.
I got a bit worried when some one said to resort to violence but I
retaliate to that as that is not the answer and you have shown that.
.
I take my hat of to you in finding a way to resolve a very bad situation
that you have there and your children have been protected.
.
You are a proud Dad and that is what your children will work out in the
future so stand proud Cobber.
.
I have said enough so Cheers.
Smell the rose's. :cool:
Doug
 
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